Cock Rock Guitar (really)

Here’s the ultimate glam “metal”/cock rock guitar:

 

(Nightmarish image courtesy of Metalsucks.)

Funk Metal on Bloody Roots

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never been a fan of funk metal. To me, metal is funny precisely because it takes itself too seriously (cases in point: Manowar of course; but also Deicide, any band with corpse paint, any band with even only one bullet belt; and so forth). Funk metal, because it does not takes itself seriously, deflates what makes metal funny in the first place. That’s why I never thought funk metal was cool. To me it was flat, even as I could understand intellectually that the music was anything but flat.

But that was more than 15 years ago. This week, Ian Christie gives me (and you) the chance to go back to some classics of the genre and who knows, I might end up liking it.

While at it, visit Ian’s blog and buy his excellent book, Sound of the Beast!

BLOODY ROOTS OF FUNK METAL
Sirius XM Liquid Metal (Sirius 27, XM 42)
Saturday, Jan 10 @ 12pm ET
Sunday, Jan 11 @ 2pm ET
Tuesday, Jan 13 @ 3pm ET
Thursday, Jan 15 @ 9pm ET

 

Singers getting older

Let’s look at some singers who have been around since 1989. Did their voice stand the test of time? Have they been surpassed? Do they sound metal still?

Let’s focus on two criteria: influence and talent. I will put influence before talent, simply because some very talented voices never leave the parents’ basement, but influential voices stay with us regardless of their intrinsic talent.

Which brings me to the second main considerations: intrinsic talent vs contextual talent.

Intrinsic talent is straightforward. It’s the traditional definition of a good voice: range, precision, stamina.

Contextual talent is specific to the various sub-metal genres. Clear vocals are technically speaking better than guttural growls; or so the conventional wisdom says. But how many people do you know can sing “Hammer Smash Face” in the same way that Chris Barnes did? That’s contextual talent.

 

James Hetfield:

His influence is failry limited: a few New Trash bands like Trivium have borrowed from him. By the mid-80s, his angry voice had been overtaken by Death/Black vocals. Nowadays, he sings in a coutry key, and he has long  lost the edg-A that made his voice so edgy in the good old days. He now sounds like a tragic imitation of himself.

 

Ozzy Osbourne:

His influence comes from the simple fact that he is alive. He’s Ozzy. Nobody tries to imitate his nasal voice–not even himself if we are to believe his uneven performance at various concerts.

 

Bruce Dickinson:

He’s the best singer in the history of Heavy Metal. He’s the most talented singer, no one in their right mind woud deny that. But what about influence? It’s hard to imagine Power Metal bands making any headway without Iron Maiden leading the way. With Dickinson’s grandiose voice and amazinfg acrobatics on stage, the onslaught of the New Wage of British Heavy Metal was irrestible.

 

Ronnie James Dio:

He saved Black Sabbath, and had an incredible career afterwards. So influence is real strong. Talent is also there, a plenty. From his work in Rainbow, Black Sabbath, or solo, he has an indredible voice.

Bizarre sexual practices

Case in point: one of the keywords that led someone to this site today is “fuck me while i shit.” WTF…

If that turns you on, well, I hope you have an open-minded partner.

Back to blogging after a long break

Sorry for the lack of posts in December folks, I had to grade a ton of papers–and I got my Christmas present early, a Xbox 360 with Guitar Hero III. Man, my fingers hurt now!!! You can find me on Xbox Live; my gamertag is “Metallizer 666”; cheesy, I know. But it’s no secret that heavy metal is all about cheesy stuff, as Manowar gloriously proves year after year:

 

Anyway, now that the madness has passed, I’m back to posting on a regular basis.

 

Coming soon:

–An exclusive interview with Moloch from Melechesh on heavy metal and diversity;

–My top 10 CDs of 2008;

–A new section of the website called “Bookshelf” with book reviews on heavy metal, atheism, and other stuff;

Get the RSS feed (top right corner) to stay informed!

 

Oh, and Happy Holiday/Winter Solstice! (No Merry Christmas here, punks!)

Kill With Power! …and other powerful stuff on Bloody Roots this week

Honestly, I have no idea if they’ll play “Kill With Power” by Manowar on Bloody Roots this week. What I do know however, is that this week is about Power Metal. Dragonforce, Lost Horizon, Saxon, Rhapsody of Fire, Sonata Acrica, Battlelore, Kamelot and, yes, MANOWAR!

Bloody Roots, the one history lesson you don’t want to miss, because it’s all about metal and Ian Christie is at the helm, is on SiriusXM Liquid Metal Channel 27/42):

Saturday, Dec 13 @ 12pm ET

Sunday, Dec 14 @ 2pm ET

Tuesday, Dec 16 @ 3pm ET

Thursday, Dec 18 @ 9pm ET

 

My favorite Manowar album is by far “Hail to England,” but I have to confess a weak spot for “Warriors of the World.”

That last album is very much Manowar in its pompous style, but the historical context is important to appreciate it. Written in reaction to 9/11, it is a very nationalistic album. Yes, nationalistic. Americans think they’re patriotic and the rest of the world is nationalistic. IT’S THE SAME FUCKING THING. Nationalism = patriotism.

However the flags on the album art do not make sense.

You have NATO flags, but also Brazil’s. So to me it suggests that while the inspiration is 9/11, this is about Manowar’s fans and their reaction to 9/11 rather than a literal “Call to Arms” to invade the Middle East. What do you guys think?

Side note: the first music file I ever bought was from Manowar’ website, directly and without intermediary. At that time, paying for mp3s–let alone subscribing to music services like Napster–seemed ridiculous. Still, I wanted to give them my money because I liked their stuff, and I especially appreciated their uncompromising attitude. Power to MANOWAR!

20 Years of Dismember on Bloody Roots Tomorrow!

Tomorrow on Bloody Roots, the beyond excellent weekly heavy metal history lesson hosted by Ian Christie (author of the book Sound of the Beast) which airs on SiriusXM Liquid Metal, will celebrate 20 years of Dismember, the celebrated Swedish death metal band.  The show promises to be “hideous, frightful and repulsive to the senses”! At least, that’s what you would think if you were a British customs official, who banned Dismember’s first album “Like an Ever Flowing Stream” because of songs titles like “Skin Her Alive.”

 

Don’t miss it on Sirius 27, XM 42:

Saturdays 12 Noon ET
Sunday Metal Church 2 pm ET
Tuesday Lab Class 3 pm ET
Thursday Night School 9 pm ET

This shit is really popular

For the last few days, “shit” has been the single biggest traffic driver for this blog. I’ll leave to the readers to decide whether it says a lot about this blog, humanity, or both.

UPDATE: I removed the shit link. If you like shit, go vote for your local Republican candidate.

Here we go again: great band [insert great band name here], vs. multi-million crap band Metallica

I really wanted Death Magnetic to be good, and I gave it a fair number of serious listens. I gave up for two reasons.

1- The songs are a collage of pointless riffs. There is no direction. If a song has to last 8 minutes, fine. If it can’t last beyond 3 minutes, fine. Metallica forgot to make the difference. The songs are a clumsy string of disjointed and rudderless riffs.

2- The album’s mixing is horrible. As Kirk Hammet conceded, “I do hear a bit of clipping here and there. It was more a Rick Rubin [producer] sort of decision rather than the band decision […].” Lars Ulrich disagrees about the quality issue, but did not lose time blaming Rick Rubin, just as Hammet did: “Listen, there’s nothing up with the audio quality. It’s 2008, and that’s how we make records. Rick Rubin’s whole thing is to try and get it to sound lively, to get it to sound loud, to get it to sound exciting, to get it to jump out of the speakers.”

Blaming Rick Rubin is not very nice. I thought Metallica was a class act. But they’re trying to shift the blame to rescue themselves.

Slayer’s Tom Araya got the best response ever in the following:

During the interview, Araya was asked if he has heard METALLICA’s new album, “Death Magnetic”, and what he thinks of it. “You don’t wanna know,” Araya replied. “I heard the album. That’s all you wanna know. I heard the album… That’s why when they [the SLAYER management] said, ‘We wanna release this [new SLAYER song], ‘Psychopathy Red’.’ And this is after listening to the [METALLICA] album. I’m like, ‘Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. Let’s release this song and give it away, because at least the fans will know what they’re getting with our album.’ [Laughs] I’m being serious. When I heard the METALLICA album, it didn’t appeal to me at all. And all I could think about was, ‘Man, what happened?’ And then they wanted to record three songs to help sell the tour, that we’re working on new material, and I’m like, I thought it was a great idea to release this song. Because people then can have something to compare something to — [show them] that Rick [Rubin, SLAYER and METALLICA producer] still has it. It wasn’t Rick. And that was kind of a way to show people, ‘Hey, it’s not Rick Rubin. It’s the band. It’s what the band brings to the table. People are always comparing albums. So now they have something that they can compare it to. And they know that this is what they’re gonna be getting with our record. You’re gonna be getting SLAYER.”

Don the Reader: they should have stuck to reading

Once again, trend prevails over talent. “Don the Reader” got a record deal against all odds and common sense, and even gets airplay on Liquid Metal with their grotesque waste of satellite bandwidth, “Human Esque.” According to their Myspace profile, they are “everything that Los Angeles isn’t.” Sounds like L.A. is a good place to move to. (No, I am not going to stain your screen by linking to their Myspace profile. Google it at your own risk.)

They proudly display a Metalsucks “endorsment” on Myspace, which by the way was about only one song that the band distributed for free–and that post only got nine comments since August 25. They also refer to a review by Mouth of War, but neglect to mention that the reviewer says that “the cacophony ends up taking on a repetitive nature as you’re left unsure if you’ve already heard a series of riffs previously on the album.” How a repetitive cacophony could lead a reviewer to give that album a score as high as 3.5/5 is beyond me. Anyway, if Don the Reader can  only find a score of 70% to promote their album, I think it says a lot. It’s like bragging about a C- to convince your old man to give you 15$ as a reward. Ain’t gonna work.

I’m not even sure it’s metal. Degenerate NYHC, perhaps. Certainly in the same Insanity League as I Wrestled a Bear Once. (I guess I just coined a new category for my blog!) Is this just another piece of junk that the industry is pushing through our good friend José?

Anyway, if you like that band please leave a message telling me why you believe it’s good. I want to understand. I really do. ‘Cause right now, I just don’t get it.

Cop eats pot, thinks he’s dead and call 911

I can’t resist:

 

 

Thanks to Failblog for the link!

More diversity, better representativity with Sirius Liquid Metal

Over at XMFan.com, a lot of people are very pissed off.

I understand their grievances, but Sirius Liquid Metal has to represent a large cross-section of tastes. People who think that Iron Maiden or Testament aren’t metal enough to get air time on Liquid Metal need to open up a little bit. Don’t get me wrong: I fully agree that they play way too much metalcore and other weak stuff.

Yet, metal is more than just death metal. It’s been around for almost 40 years, so there’s a lot of ground to cover. Many people still appreciate the old classics, either because they are new to them and discover how good they are, or because it makes them remember the good ol’ days.

Let’s be realistic. Several factors have led to the decision to have only one metal channel. Satellite radio doesn’t have an infinite bandwidth, so they are simply physically unable to add as many music channels as there are music genres. More important still, the satellite radio business is losing some serious money: $217 million in the latest quarter. They can’t afford to duplicate channels, and they need to please as many subscribers as possible to maximize revenue.

This may not be the best situation for XMLM fans–however the combined number of extreme metal fans at Sirius and XM should give these metalheads a greater voice in how they build the playlist. I don’t think that this is going to change the fact that they will keep on playing Top 40 artists; they cannot ignore bands like Slipknot. This may be unfortunate, but it’s a fact. There is nonetheless some hope that the greater total number of exteme metal fans will give us more weight. Just keep bitchin’ and they’ll hear you.

Black Metal on Bloody Roots tomorrow

If you are new to Sirius Liquid Metal, you owe it to yourself to make a habit out of listening to Bloody Roots. With author of Sound of the Beast Ian Christie at the helm, Bloody Roots is your weekly metal history lesson–and this is one class you don’t want to miss! Here’s what’s scheduled for this week:

“Bloody Roots of Black Metal
Tomorrow 12:00 pm ET
Bloody Roots is your weekly one-hour crash course in heavy metal history, hosted by Sound of the Beast author Ian Christe. This week: Sordid and despicable, crawling from the trenches of metal’s darkest depths, black metal has been the ultimate blasphemous musical rebellion since Venom first unleashed its occult battle cry in 1982. Bloody Roots traces black metal’s long slither across the years, casting light on the scarred tracks of Bathory, Immortal, Enslaved, Mayhem, Deathspell Omega, and many more! Know your roots!

Rebroadcast: Sun., Nov. 16th @ 2 pm-3 pm ET; Tues., Nov. 18th @ 3 pm-4 pm ET; Thurs., Nov. 20th @ 9 pm-10 pm ET. ”

 

Check out the Bloody Roots’ past playlists here, and visit Ian’s blog here.

If you love your girlfriend, go buy her a Volbeat album (and enjoy it secretly, too)

My favorite lyrics usually involve Satan in some way, or some crazed maniac with an axe. My favorite singers usually sound like they just came out of the grave for one last encore and struggle with their voice because of all the maggots they have to chew as they sing.

Yet, I recommend you grab a CD of Dannish Rockabilly/Metal band Volbeat. Why? Two reasons.

First, it’s gonna make your girlfriend happy. Let’s face it: she’s most likely a tiny bit fed up with listening to Necropedophile in a loop since 1992. Volbeat is like The Misfits on steroids, with a dash of Slayer and a massive dose of upbeat but still crushing riffs. The Rockabilly element is massively present, but it is so well integrated into the metal songs that Glenn Danzig must be violently jealous right the fuck now, and ever since the first Volbeat album came out in 2005. But to go back to your girlfriend, it’s the kind of music that will make her shake her head to the music with that happy smile that turns you into a shapeless blob of love(if her smile doesn’t do that to you anymore, it’s time for a change, bro); and soon enough you’ll catch yourself banging your head with her, smiling together.

Second, it’s a solid metal band on its own. If you’re like me and you were introduced to music through punk music, this is the perfect mix of metal and The Misfits/The Cramps. Tons of good riffs and good vibe. Lots of energy (but no blast beats, it would not fit in) and melody, but way, way better than what those miserable metalcore bands attempt–and invariably fail–to do.

Liquid Metal petition

Given the volume of clicks on my posts about Sirius Liquid Metal, aka Sirius Hard Attack, and the demise of XM Liquid Metal, I thought you guys might be interested in this petition: http://www.petitiononline.com/satmetal/

While I want less fucking metalcore junk (“Every Time I Die” just played on Liquid Metal–why don’t that pathetic band just finish what they started, and die once and for all? And now it’s “Bullet for my Valentine“–practice what you preach: why not a bullet for the singer’s right temple? Won’t this nightmare ever end?), I understand that this is what sells right now. But why not dump all that crap to another channel, like Octane? (Ah, at last some real music: Gojira’s Toxic Garbage Island! Great stuff.)

At least, Octane are open about what they play: “…new and deeper songs from Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, Disturbed, Avenged Sevenfold and more.” Yep, twice Avenged Sevenfold. That’s a lot of vengeance on Octane. They are very open about what they’re up to: “What we play: Linkin Park, Chevelle, Shinedown, Sevendust, Mudvayne, Drowning Pool, Staind. P.O.D. and [they add threateningly] much much more…” Sounds like a good fit for all that metalcore crap.

Is Sirius Liquid Metal a dilluted XM Liquid Metal?

Here’s an interesting paragraph from today’s Wikipedia entry on Liquid Metal (Sirius XM):

“On November 12, 2008, the XM lineup underwent a massive overhaul, and Liquid Metal was affected greatly. Ward Cleaver, Katie Brutal, and Cool Guy were replaced by DJs formerly of the Sirius “metal” channel Hard Attack. The Liquid Metal play list has also been watered down with more mainstream acts that were once heard on the former XM channel Squizz. Mercury has been replaced by Beyond the Pit, which airs in the middle of the night, instead of evening drive time, when people could actually listen to it.”

I don’t know what to make of this. I really liked Sirius Hard Attack, but I always thought that they were playing way too much weak stuff, like metalcore and christian metal. (Christian metal? Come on, that’s a fucking joke!) It’s also true that their death/black/grind show, Beyond the Pit, is way too late at night (midnight to 1am!). Now it sounds like the competition was way better, but they’re dead. Fuck.

Hard Attack = Liquid Metal

Presumably as a consequence of the Sirius-XM merger, Hard Attack has adopted its XM counterpart’s name, and is now called Liquid Metal. No word yet on the reasons for the change, or what will happen to the DJs and programming of the two radio stations.

Gaahl is gay–so what???

So Gaahl is gay.

While some bloggers have had the right reaction of acceptance and immediately recognized the intrinsically metal value of Gaahl having the courage to reveal himself for who he is, apparently some fans did not get the message.

This raises serious questions: is Heavy Metal an intolerant form of art? Is this inevitable?

Stay tuned for exclusive interviews with bands who have some very interesting things to say about Heavy Metal and tolerance.

Maryland Deathfest tickets on sale November 7th

Ticket sales are pushed back to November 7th. That’s fine by me, since they keep adding bands in the meantime! This just keeps getting better and better. 

Here’s the current list of confirmed bands:

Bolt Thrower (England)
Mayhem (Norway)
Pestilence (Netherlands)
Asphyx (Netherlands)
Atheist (Florida)
Enslaved (Norway)
Marduk (Sweden)
Immolation (New York)
Brutal Truth (New York)
Hail of Bullets (Netherlands)
Abscess (California)
Absu (Texas)
General Surgery (Sweden)
Today is the Day (Tennessee)
Swallow the Sun (Finland)
Pig Destroyer (Virginia)
Birdflesh (Sweden)
The Red Chord (Massachusetts)
Keep of Kalessin (Norway)
Victims (Sweden)
Rotten Sound (Finland)
Phobia (California)
Devourment (Texas)
Sayyadina (Sweden)
Flesh Parade (Louisiana)
Jig-Ai (Czech Republic)
Trap Them (New Hampshire)
Antigama (Poland)
Splitter (Sweden)
Grief (Massachusetts)
Agenda of Swine (California)
Entrails Massacre (Germany)
Kill the Client (Texas)
Magrudergrind (Washington DC)
Lair of the Minotaur (Illinois)
Crowpath (Sweden)
Man Must Die (Scotland)
Gnostic (Georgia)
Unearthly Trance (New York)
Maruta (Florida)
Car Bomb (New York)
Weekend Nachos (Illinois)
Catheter (Colorado)
The Endless Blockade (Canada)
Pretty Little Flower (Texas)
Hero Destroyed (Pennsylvania)
Complete Failure (Pennsylvania)
Drugs of Faith (Maryland)
Triac (Maryland)

Bolt Thrower at MDF!!!

This year’s MDF was always going to be amazing, but it’s now getting surreal-good. Not only will the lineup include Mayhem, Pestilence, Atheist, Immolation and Brutal Truth, but you now have to add Bolt Thrower to this insanely good ticket. In a statement, Bolt Thrower said that “Due to the fact that we are not real festival lovers or great fans of flying, the chances of us ever coming to the States for a one-off show was always very small. But after years of relentless emails from Ryan [Maryland Deathfest organizer], we’ve finally given in. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 14 years since we last played in the U.S., so we are very happy to announce that we are finally coming back.” Amen.

If there is only one festival, just one show, you can attend on the East Coast next year, this has got to be it. Tickets are due to go on sale by November 1st.